Monday, February 14, 2005

My own worst enemy is myself...

The past few days here in the Bay Area have been simply gorgeous. The sky has been clear with hardly any wind. And the temperatures have been in the high 60s. =) Ahhh.. February in California... But somehow I think I’ve just “jinxed” myself, looks like it might rain a little.

For those of you who keep checking this page for my deep and thought-provoking blogs, I apologize. It has been hectic and at the same time relaxing, yet it has been flying by so fast that I can't even believe that t is already Valentine!



The thing I don't like about Valentine's Day is that it makes me ashamed to be alone. It doesn't make me feel any lonelier than I do ordinarily -- and these days, I'm pretty contented w/ all my dear friends.. But it makes me some sort ashamed. There's something about the way Valentine's Day is marketed that makes me feel like it's unacceptable not to have a sweet pea and like I'm supposed to go hide in a little box because nobody knows what to do with a single person and it'll embarrass everyone and ruin Valentine's Day for the folks who actually deserve to celebrate it. I feel like it's not socially acceptable to be single; like there's no place for me. I feel like I need to explain myself or come up with a good excuse. I've been sick. The dog ate my boyfriend. I don't have a good excuse. I'm just single and maybe that someone will come along one of these days – even so, hopefully I don’t mess up or scare the poor thing away! =) haha..



I write more frequently now, though you don't see most of it. I write for myself ( personal diary) -- feelings -- thoughts of no use to too many other people ... but it feels good to write. It feels good to me to become introspective and just write openly something I am only beginning to understand.

Looking back at all the things that I wrote. Even though looking back seems to be one of my favorite pastimes, I still have no way of orienting myself in the past as I look at it from the present. I was a different me, then, at all stages of every me. I think the my own worst enemy is myself. that is really how I feel - that's the truth! Sometimes I think I'm just too H arsh on myself. I have felt this way for a long time and I hated it! Well, I know -------- *** Stop being harsh on yourself. ***
After all... We're only human! - - but - - sometimes I just can't help it. I think I've lived a lot of my life trying to be exclusively rational, assertive, competitive, and self-determining. I'm learning how to be more intuitive, responsive, connected, and a little more aggressive (being a little bitchy- I mean.) I'm not sure it's so much learning how to be those things as it is relaxing and not trying to pretend I don't have those parts of me.

I will say that I am perfectly utterly normal and dull. I've spent a long time getting to who I am and finding me inside of me. I am very happy that I have found myself for the last few months. I dusted off the old me and found a newer layer of me underneath. Yup. I know. It's all a bit confusing with what the heck am I talking about? Suffice it to say that I know my shortcomings, although I discover more every day, and I am perfectly comfie that I have these terrible faults. But then, I have some good traits too. I think. I am a pretty good cook! If not, I can always pick up the phone, =P it’s just as good.

=) Anyways, I have to go hang out w/ my single friends for now.



Better Half - A night out with new and ole friends.

posted by ~~Sin~~ @ 3:24 PM

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