I just want CHANGE !
=( I'm not really sure what to do with my life. I mean there are some good things going but also many not-so-good things that are lingering on. I can go on and on and list them all but that would be a waste of time. What might work is if I go ahead and start planning and doing things to rid myself of the bad things in my life.
I've never really expressed private ideas in public, or to anyone else really. Only occasionally I've been able to express how I truly felt about anything. I don't know exactly why I'm starting to be able to now, but I'm guessing it has to do with this blog.
I don't really want to offend anyone though, so I won't go into any details. Its unfortunate that since the people closest to me are pretty much the only people near me at all, it only figures that both good and bad things tend to stem from them somehow. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to place any blame on anybody but .. myself.. . I don't even think I'm trying to place blame on myself. I just want CHANGE.
Life is full of mysteries and although I don't claim to understand any of it, I have a feeling that what I'm thinking of now is more clear than I've ever thought of it. I don't know yet exactly what or how I'm going to change, but I will guarantee (which I don't usually do) that it will be for the better, and I will be a better person, and the people near me will become better.
On the other hand, I hate to say things like this because it usually means that I'll try at first and then fail at it, and pretend to not care about it anymore and just get worse off. I've seen this happen to myself in the past and I really hate that it did happen. I don't know yet why it's happened either, which makes things that much worse.
What I need is a way to keep to my commitment, and that's where this blog comes in. By publishing my ideas and feelings somewhere that people can read them and understand me better, helps me. Its not even that anyone understands me, I don't care if anybody else understands me but myself.
What matters is that I'm able to organize my feelings and thoughts somewhere, which lets me straighten them out. Until now, my thoughts have been lost in the void of my mind, and they've been replaced by other segments of data, either useless or important. They've never really had a way to stay on top or be prioritized properly.
I'm actually really glad for this!!!! To everyone else reading this, I don't care what you think of me now that you have read my innermost thoughts and what not, I feel like I'm becoming a better person already. Instead of being depressed, I can just type away for a few minutes and feel better. Who needs to pay lots of money for therapy?
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